(In memory of my friend, Debbie Meuse Gwaltney, who went home to Heaven 14 years ago on Thanksgiving Day.)
I do it over and over again. Not liking or trusting Your ways. Accusing You of being unfair, unjust; of abandoning and neglecting; of being partial and loving others more.
Silly, stupid, short-sighted girl I am!
Fourteen years have passed and I still find myself feeling jealous and offended for my dear Debbie. I miss her so much it hurts!!!!! Lord, why?! Why did she have to die too soon and miss her girls' weddings and her beautiful grandbabies? Why did she have to miss out on living her happily ever after? A month before You took her, she told me of how she longed for all those things.
And for others, everything seems to go perfectly, right according to plan. They get to watch their babies grow up and get married and have their own babies. They get to grow old with their loves. Not fair, Lord!! Not fair!!
But then You gently remind me that the one who got the short end of the stick wasn't Debbie. No.
For as wonderful and fulfilling as Your gifts of children and love and weddings and grandbabies are and as happy as the "happily ever afters" are, they can't even begin to compare with the beauty and wonder of Your most precious gift of all...the gift of being in Your Presence. I felt Debbie say, "Don't cry for me. I am exactly where I want to be." Yes, I remember. A month before You took her, she also told me of how You had given her Your Peace that passes ALL understanding. She told me that it was well with her soul!
I get my priorities and perspectives so incredibly mixed up and turned upside-down. I want to have ETERNAL vision, not TUNNEL vision. I want to be impartial to my own desires and opinions and priorities and plans and goals. I want to be fluid in Your hands so that You can pour me out whenever and wherever You want.
I don't want to be cold and solidified and stuck and unmovable. I don't want to fret about getting my own way - about finding "happiness"- about life being "fair".
I want to just trust and let You do with me, and with those I love, as You see fit. Trusting and relying and being confident in You!