Sunday, April 6, 2014

Out of the Dark. Into the Light.

I was angry and bitter and holding a grudge.

I blamed You for everything.

No trust.  No hope.  No benefit of the doubt.

I was the victim.  YOUR victim.  Hopelessly vulnerable to Your unfair whims of justice.   I became the cynic.

I feared You enough to know that I needed You.  But if I had to have You, I'd do my best to keep You at a distance.  Maybe then I wouldn't be hurt by You.

Unmet expectations.  You let me down.  I did my part but why didn't You do Yours?  What do You have to say for Yourself?  How do You explain this mess I'm in? 

You don't say anything.  You just stay silent;  confirming my suspicions that You really don't care.  Maybe on some grand level You do.  But not down here on my level.  Here, where I need You.  You turned Your back on me.

But the cracks in my façade keep me coming back to You.  Calling out to You.  Crying for You.  Daring to hope that I am dreadfully wrong.  Even though I am mad at You, I can't stay away from You.  I can't resist You. 

And Your Light shines through the cracks in my façade.  Little by little, helping me to see.  Bringing clarity as my eyes adjust from my darkness to Your Light.  I start to see glimpses of Your Truth.

And I start to see the truth about me:  Ungrateful.  Self-Pitying.  Accusing.  Distrustful.  Jealous.  Judgmental.  Pointing my finger at You.  Foolish girl I am. 

But Your Light embraces me and takes me little by little, step by step, back into Your Truth.  Back into Your Love.  Into Your amazing Grace.  It makes me feel like new. 

Looking back now, I can't remember how it all happened.  How I was lured away by cynicism.  And how You graciously brought me back...or better yet, how You graciously brought me taste Your amazing Grace.  Into a new awareness of Your Presence; a new understanding of Your Love; a new appreciation for Your Grace.

Your amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now I'm found.  Was blind but now I see.

Psalm 73:21-28 (AMP)

For my heart was grieved, embittered, and in a state of ferment, and I was pricked in my heart [as with the sharp fang of an adder].  So foolish, stupid, and brutish was I, and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.  Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand.  You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.  For behold, those who are far from You shall perish; You will destroy all who are false to You and like [spiritual] harlots depart from You.   But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.